Leif Pettersen's Travelogue

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I’m Aging and I Don’t Like it

Posted on 6/22/03


Dear Diary,

I’m in Hell. Hell, Norway that is! Bwahahahahahahaha! But seriously folks…

I’m on the night train from Trondheim to Bodø, first stop Hell. Hell doesn’t look so bad, but it’s so far north that in order for the goddamn satellite dishes to face south, they actually have to tilt down a little! I am not making that up. Seriously, they are pointing just a little down. I have no idea how pointing your dish at the ground gets you a clear signal, but I’m sure that they know better than I do.

As I was saying, I’m on a train. Despite being very comfortable, things are a little cramped. This has given me the opportunity to take a good, long, ill-advised, close look at my face for the first time in a while. I am looking old. Specifically my eyes. They do not look good.

I have always had dark circles under my eyes. I seem to remember being teased about it in the fifth grade on the day that the anti-smoking speaker came in and informed us that one of the side effects from smoking is that dark circles form under your eyes. My classmates hassled me about it for months. “Ooo look! Leif’s a smoker! Ha ha!” So I said “I heard your momma doinked the principal so that your could move on to the fifth grade. If your momma didn’t put out, you’d still be in kindergarten!” No, of course I didn’t say that. I was the smallest one in the whole class! The second graders were bigger than me!

Anyway the circles are really dark now and have been for about a year. I thought it was stress and that after things died down they might improve a little, but no. Instead they have gotten worse. Now, it’s not just the dark circles. Little white bags have begun to grow within the dark circles. They are pretty small now, but they are white and puffy and they weren’t there six months ago. Little did I know that I was pretty lucky to just have the effing dark circles! Now I pine for the days for when I just looked tired, rather than old and tired. Big assed, baggy, sunken eyes are not cool unless you are Benicio del Toro and before he started in film, I bet even he wasn’t knockin’ ‘em dead with those coin purses hanging off his face.

First thing in the morning is the worst. They start out hella puffy, but they recede within the first 30 minutes or so. All I can think about is the more they puff up like that while I sleep, the more stretched out and baggy the skin will get and the older I will look until the bags are hanging down so low that I qualify for circus sideshow freak, which at this rate will be in about six months. If I haven’t sold any writing by then, that’ll be about the time I start freaking out over money, so the new circus freak marketable skills will really come in handy.

One could argue that nobody looks good from two inches away. To that, I say, have you ever been to Norway? Have you seen those chicks! Oh-your-God!

So, the days of me being carded are gone and soon the days of having to deny being old enough to have an AARP membership will arrive. I’ll have to get me a blind, Norwegian chick if I ever wanna bag a hot one now.


PS – I’m on the train from Hell now. Hee hee! Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week!

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